Israel

Shalom!

(That's basically the only phrase I know in Hebrew)

If you don't know already and haven't seen my other blog: israelfromparis.blogspot.com
I'M GOING TO ISRAEL!!! (more information about the trip is on the Israel blog!)

Today our team bought tickets for Israel!!! It's getting so real. The only thing holding me back is school, which is also very real and very busy.

*Life Update*

It is April. Which means I graduate NEXT MONTH! Until then, I am trying to work on ALL of my final projects for my classes, and apply for jobs. It's hard not having life planned out, but it's also a beautiful place to be! Being in this stage of not knowing has given me some sweet, sweet time with God and is putting my faith and trust in Him to the ultimate test. All of these things I have planned are nothing compared to what God has planned for me. For example, originally I thought I would get a summer job/internship after graduation. But, instead, God is sending me to ISRAEL!!!!

My month in Israel is going to be a whirlwind. I'm afraid the time will fly by. My 4 months in Italy flew by, and I'll be in Israel for only a quarter of that time.

Everything seems to be hurtling at me with insane amounts of speed with no intent of slowing down. In my mind, when I graduate, everything will be so much easier (which I know is not the case). After graduation I have my roommate's wedding, and packing for Israel, and you all know how I am about packing...

Buying the tickets today has been a huge wake up moment for me. I am for real going to Israel with a group of people I have never met to serve my heart out. Having the flights set in stone is a little scary, but the fact that my flight is purchased means I raised enough money to buy the tickets!! Yay for the Lord's provision!!!

So the whole trusting God thing I was talking about earlier, here I am again not putting my trust in Him to provide for me financially! How human can I be?! (you don't need to answer that!) I only have $900 left to raise before I will have raised the ENTIRE $3700. Now let me give you some insight into my childhood and fundraising.

*Back Story*

I grew up in an environment that disliked fundraising with a passion. Jump Rope for Heart in elementary school, yeah, I definitely wanted those prizes for raising a certain amount of money. Did we fundraise? Nope. AND I was never in Girl Scouts, so I don't even have the experience of selling cookies! (talk about being under qualified). Also, the few months I was a waitress, I just really sucked at it. I don't have any other words for it. God did not gift me with the ability to sell things to people. If anything, I've always felt like a financial burden on people, like my parents and even guys I've dated who want to pay for my meal or movie ticket.

The fact that I have raised $2800 (I think that's correct, I'm an Art Major, I can't do math) is NOTHING that I have done. It is COMPLETELY God's doing. All of this to say, as a college student with no prospects of a job after graduation, or even when I get back from Israel, I still need to raise $900. In my mind, $900 is SO MUCH MONEY!!! You know how many boxes of Mac n Cheese and Lucky Charms I could buy with $900? A lot!

I find myself stressing about raising this money, as most people stress about finances, and then I think about how vast God is. How big the sky is and how small the Earth is in perspective to the rest of the Universe. How small I am in comparison with the billions of people that inhabit this world and then realize how small and minuscule $900 is to God. Or even the original $3700. Of course God doesn't just pop by the bank and give the teller a deposit for me, He uses His children. So many of my friends and family have given money to the cause of my Israel trip, and still more will continue to give.

Sunset | Amarillo, TX

Back to the being a college student thing, I can't do this alone. I cannot come up with $900 by my own doing in two months. This is when I swallow my pride and ask with humility for the kindness and generosity of others to support me on my journey to Israel. If you feel led to give, or would prayerfully consider donating to help me raise my last $900, I know God will use that money in powerful, powerful ways.

I originally sent out support letters, and have since been contemplating other ways to fundraise. Obviously I have decided to put it on my blog. I have also played with the idea of making shirts as a fundraiser if it comes down to it. I know people love them a good t-shirt, or maybe that's just me. For now I'll just put it on my blog...

If you would like to donate to me :) there are a couple ways you can do so, all of which are tax deductible. (I know, I know, this isn't the most exciting moment in my blogging life. I can't believe I just typed the words "tax deductible".)

1. You can give online! (takes credit cards and paypal)
Right now, reading my blog online, you can just scoot over to a new internet page and go to:  https://www.chosenpeople.com/main/index.php/donate/give-online 
If you choose this option make sure to put my name and trip info into the special designation area:
Paris Paetzold, Outreach Israel

2. You can mail a check!
Super old school but very effective! I still write checks when I get my hair cut and pay my credit card bill, so I definitely have not gone paperless. Once again, if you write a check put my name and trip info on the memo line:
Paris Paetzold, Outreach Israel
Checks can be mailed to:
Chosen People Ministries
241 E. 51st St.
New York, NY  10022

If the last 4-5 paragraphs don't apply to you (and you are just utterly disgusted that I have stooped so low as to put up info about financial donations online) then I will still ask you for your prayers! Because Im going to Israel and I am in need of a lot of prayers for this! God can still use your prayers just as effectively, if not more than the monetary side of this trip.

Okay, now that the hard boring part of the blog is over! Time for me to get back to the grind and work on school assignments (which actually doesn't sound any more exciting now that I think about it). Seriously one of the only things that gets me through the week is saying, "Graduation", over and over again.

I end this post knowing that God will provide for me in the big things as well as the small things (even if the big things aren't even that big for Him) because I serve a big God.

Combating the Lies

Here's to another life update.

I've been going to Career Counseling, yes, Career Counseling. Apparently I overwhelmed my Career Advisor and she told me to seek counseling for it..? I don't know, it was also her last day on the job so that could've had something to do with it. BUT, it's not all a waste.

Today my counselor finally got through to me and I broke down crying. She said she noticed that my emotions were more tied to my vocational desires than what I let on. And being able to say things I've been keeping to myself was extremely freeing. I told her about my past relationship and how belittling and emotionally abrasive he was. Always telling me that my major is a joke and the only reason I had a 4.0 was because I was JUST an art major. That when he broke up with me he said he didn't like me anymore (and hadn't for a while) and never wanted to date anyone like me again. He tore down my dreams of being a stay at home mom and raising a family and didn't understand why I didn't feel the need to contribute an income to my spouse and family and didnt desire a career.

All of these things and here I am about to graduate from college.

The constant lies I live with because of this 13 month relationship squelch me daily. I go to an interview and think "I'll prove him wrong" but then I don't hear back from them, or don't get the internship and all I hear is his voice saying "I told you so, you aren't good enough". The fact that I want him to look me up someday and see my progression in society and how "far I've come" scares me. The weight he still holds over me after 6 months of no communication with him is an awful feeling.

The fact of the matter is, I don't have to prove myself to him, or to anyone. God has already chosen and loved and sent His Son to die for me. He is already ahead in July and knows my path and where it will be in the coming months, even if July feels like a looming black hole with no future.

I'm not using this to say everything I did in the relationship was right and everything he did was wrong. It is definitely a two-way street. But, since the breakup God has shown me His love and comfort and my need of Him and nothing and no one else. I have grown tremendously in the past 6 months even with the insanely low lows and the lonely dark nights.

So. Here I am. Trying to prove my worth to an ex-boyfriend I haven't spoken to or heard from in 6 months by tweaking my resume and building my business wardrobe (which is pretty slammin' if I do say so myself). An ex-boyfriend who couldn't care less about my success in society or what I do with the rest of my unfortunate life.

These realizations I've had today (what I said and told my counselor, and what I type now, that may or may not be appropriate to put on the internet, but at this point I know I have nothing to prove or lose) I want to start speaking more truth into myself and surround myself with community that I crave. I haven't spoken to many people about these deep cutting lies and fears, and the few I have are just the surface. Personally, I feel like talking to someone about a guy that was "so 6 months ago" comes off as needy and pathetic, because that is exactly what he would say and think about it.

Another thing I realized is how worthless it makes me feel being surrounded by people who have all the things I thought I would have during this time in my life. They have the internship, and the fiancé, and the promise of a future. No I am not envious of them. I actually am extremely happy for those people, but use it as a means of degradation to myself.  because, come on, who would ever want to hire or date someone like me, right?

As I think about the internship I may or may not get, and the job I am applying for right now that I am under qualified for on paper, I can humbly say that I can do what they require of me. And I know that I would be the perfect fit for the internship and it's their loss. But thats easier said than done. I'm fearing how I will feel after I get the phone call that I did not get the internship. How am I not supposed to take that personally?

It's so hard to convey how great I would be on paper. Like... Here is a white piece of paper with words on it, hire me. And I don't know if I'm doing an interview right or not. What if I do a huge no-no in my interviews, what if I sit wrong, or breath wrong, or I'm wearing the wrong color blouse? I seriously don't know.

Other worries that consume my mind are whether or not Grad School would be a better option, which, if you know me, you know I dislike school very much. And the fact that I just got off the phone with my mom, after she talked about how depressing and hard and miserable job searching is, and all the fears and anxieties and lies returned isn't fun.

So yay. Yay for being under qualified for all these job openings requiring three years or more experience. Yay for my inability to find entry level jobs ANYWHERE. Yay for not having any experience, like an internship, or any type of job related to the art field.

Yay for having a Creator who personally and intimately knows my desires. Yay for an omnipresent God who goes before me and knows where I am going. Yay for having the faith of our forefathers and following in Abraham's footsteps with going and not knowing the destination.

I have no idea what opportunities will present themselves to me by May, or July when I come back from Israel, or even what phone call I may or may not get tomorrow. I have also rambled on for long enough and shed more than enough tears to last me for a while. And, I'm proud to be an art major dang it! Even if it means I can't find a job right out of college. God has me exactly where He wants me...

Here's to a post where I vomit all my emotions and insecurities on the internet!

"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive his inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8

Tonight: An Internal Reflection

My last blog recorded all my grand adventures in Italy, where I lived as a study abroad student for 4 months. <florencefromparis.blogspot.com>

Florence, Italy. On the Arno at sunset

But this (being the study abroad student in my previous blog) does not define me. My identity comes from my Creator and perfect Bride Groom.

I have recently been dealing with many struggles and going through a pit of depression, but in this God is magnified.

Tonight I wrestle with the constant question on my mind, “what am I going to do in May”. I graduate in May with a Bachelor of Art in Interdisciplinary Art and Design Studies and a minor in Religious Studies. And…. I keep telling people I won’t have a job when I graduate.

But.

I serve a big God.

I came to realize this past week that saying those words to people “I have no hope of a job when I graduate” undermines God and His power. I am fully trusting that He WILL provide a job for me. Words hold great power, I choose to no longer say this phrase even as a joke to my major.

…what else am I wrestling with tonight?

That relationship you heard all about last spring in Italy, it’s over. After a year, he decided to choose other things over me and ended the relationship. For some reason a broken heart makes it extremely difficult to face the day. But, even when I was in that relationship (with a guy who will have a job right when he graduates and seems to have all his future planned out) I always wondered, “where is the greater purpose in all of this?” Being in a relationship where the long term meant not worrying about my future and what job would provide for my living or how I would even find that job… job job job. Its all about a job these days. WHERE IS THE HIGHER CALLING? Nowhere in our relationship was there any type of higher calling. It sucked me dry.

Tonight I don’t want the “American Dream”. In this moment I can truthfully say I am blessed to be going through this storm and heartbreak. God is revealing His tenderness to me. He is revealing that he is Jehovah Rapha. The Healer. And I KNOW that He provides and will continue to provide: Jehovah Jireh.

After studying abroad my heart has been longing for different cultures and far away lands. I am taking two anthropology classes and an international studies course, all of them about the Middle East. I absolutely love them.

I’ve entertained going to seminary as an after thought for a long time. I always thought I’d do Biblical Counseling. Tonight, for some reason, I clicked on the Missions Department. I can’t even begin to explain the joy I have right now and the peace I feel, that inexplicable peace that only comes from a divine presence. God is here tonight. I do not know where this will lead me, but tonight I don’t care. Sure I want to travel the world. I want to experience new cultures and people. But where is the higher purpose?

I am praying these verses tonight…

“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.” Ephesians 4:1

My soul literally craves the higher calling. And I know that if I was not going through this heartbreak I would be in no position to act on this craving. This week I started saying, “I hope God provides a man who wants to travel the world and live abroad or do missions.” Why can’t I do that? Why does God need to bring someone into my life when I am completely able? This desire I have in my heart is there for a reason.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

“May He grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans!” Psalm 20:4

I want to feel needed and that I am helping wherever I am. I want a job where I feel needed. I think that is why being a stay-at-home-mom seems so fulfilling to me. My children will need me. My husband will need me. I want to feel important even if it is just within those confines.

Philippians 4:4-7 literally sums up my life right now “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I can rejoice in God because He is healing me even in this dark storm. He is with me and I am not to worry because God knows my deepest desires better than I do. He gives me His peace in the midst of the biggest life decisions and change I’ve encountered thus far. Graduating college.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

Romans 8:26

"Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? for you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'" James 4:14-15

Yeah, tomorrow I may wake up and not be able to get out of bed, a common trend right now (although I register for classes at 7am so I have to). BUT. God tells me to not worry about what tomorrow will bring. I can rest in His peace tonight.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

Nighttime is hard for me. For the most part it is very spiritually dark. There are many ways I have learned to combat this, like having Oceans by Hillsong United on repeat <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw> and prayer journaling (live update of what I am currently doing). But tonight, in God’s comfort, I am not dwelling on my thoughts and feelings that were flipped upside down 6 weeks ago when my realtionship ended.

God wins. He triumphs my fears and my failures and my anxiety and gives me peace. His peace. He will provide for the desires of my heart and even though I try my best and fail at walking in a manner worthy of His calling, He still claims me as His child.

I am “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that [I] may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called [me] out of darkness into His marvelous light.” I Peter 2:9

Sunrise over Denton, TX

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I go to bed excited for what tomorrow holds.

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust.” Psalm 4:8