Tonight: An Internal Reflection

My last blog recorded all my grand adventures in Italy, where I lived as a study abroad student for 4 months. <florencefromparis.blogspot.com>

Florence, Italy. On the Arno at sunset

But this (being the study abroad student in my previous blog) does not define me. My identity comes from my Creator and perfect Bride Groom.

I have recently been dealing with many struggles and going through a pit of depression, but in this God is magnified.

Tonight I wrestle with the constant question on my mind, “what am I going to do in May”. I graduate in May with a Bachelor of Art in Interdisciplinary Art and Design Studies and a minor in Religious Studies. And…. I keep telling people I won’t have a job when I graduate.

But.

I serve a big God.

I came to realize this past week that saying those words to people “I have no hope of a job when I graduate” undermines God and His power. I am fully trusting that He WILL provide a job for me. Words hold great power, I choose to no longer say this phrase even as a joke to my major.

…what else am I wrestling with tonight?

That relationship you heard all about last spring in Italy, it’s over. After a year, he decided to choose other things over me and ended the relationship. For some reason a broken heart makes it extremely difficult to face the day. But, even when I was in that relationship (with a guy who will have a job right when he graduates and seems to have all his future planned out) I always wondered, “where is the greater purpose in all of this?” Being in a relationship where the long term meant not worrying about my future and what job would provide for my living or how I would even find that job… job job job. Its all about a job these days. WHERE IS THE HIGHER CALLING? Nowhere in our relationship was there any type of higher calling. It sucked me dry.

Tonight I don’t want the “American Dream”. In this moment I can truthfully say I am blessed to be going through this storm and heartbreak. God is revealing His tenderness to me. He is revealing that he is Jehovah Rapha. The Healer. And I KNOW that He provides and will continue to provide: Jehovah Jireh.

After studying abroad my heart has been longing for different cultures and far away lands. I am taking two anthropology classes and an international studies course, all of them about the Middle East. I absolutely love them.

I’ve entertained going to seminary as an after thought for a long time. I always thought I’d do Biblical Counseling. Tonight, for some reason, I clicked on the Missions Department. I can’t even begin to explain the joy I have right now and the peace I feel, that inexplicable peace that only comes from a divine presence. God is here tonight. I do not know where this will lead me, but tonight I don’t care. Sure I want to travel the world. I want to experience new cultures and people. But where is the higher purpose?

I am praying these verses tonight…

“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.” Ephesians 4:1

My soul literally craves the higher calling. And I know that if I was not going through this heartbreak I would be in no position to act on this craving. This week I started saying, “I hope God provides a man who wants to travel the world and live abroad or do missions.” Why can’t I do that? Why does God need to bring someone into my life when I am completely able? This desire I have in my heart is there for a reason.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

“May He grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans!” Psalm 20:4

I want to feel needed and that I am helping wherever I am. I want a job where I feel needed. I think that is why being a stay-at-home-mom seems so fulfilling to me. My children will need me. My husband will need me. I want to feel important even if it is just within those confines.

Philippians 4:4-7 literally sums up my life right now “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I can rejoice in God because He is healing me even in this dark storm. He is with me and I am not to worry because God knows my deepest desires better than I do. He gives me His peace in the midst of the biggest life decisions and change I’ve encountered thus far. Graduating college.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

Romans 8:26

"Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? for you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'" James 4:14-15

Yeah, tomorrow I may wake up and not be able to get out of bed, a common trend right now (although I register for classes at 7am so I have to). BUT. God tells me to not worry about what tomorrow will bring. I can rest in His peace tonight.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

Nighttime is hard for me. For the most part it is very spiritually dark. There are many ways I have learned to combat this, like having Oceans by Hillsong United on repeat <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw> and prayer journaling (live update of what I am currently doing). But tonight, in God’s comfort, I am not dwelling on my thoughts and feelings that were flipped upside down 6 weeks ago when my realtionship ended.

God wins. He triumphs my fears and my failures and my anxiety and gives me peace. His peace. He will provide for the desires of my heart and even though I try my best and fail at walking in a manner worthy of His calling, He still claims me as His child.

I am “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that [I] may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called [me] out of darkness into His marvelous light.” I Peter 2:9

Sunrise over Denton, TX

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I go to bed excited for what tomorrow holds.

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust.” Psalm 4:8